How to Disagree Without Being a Jerk

Most People Argue

Let’s call it what it is. Most leaders don’t disagree; they argue.

They don’t explore ideas, they defend turf. They walk into a conversation like it’s a courtroom drama, ready to prove they’re right and someone else is wrong. And then they wonder why trust disappears and people stop talking in meetings.

Here’s the truth: being “right” doesn’t make you a better leader. It makes you exhausting to work with.

Let’s unpack why that is—and more importantly, how to fix it.

Why Smart People Get Sucked Into Dumb Arguments

You’re a high achiever. You’ve built your career on being smart, fast, and decisive. That served you well, until you got promoted. Because once you’re leading people, the game changes. Leadership isn’t about being the smartest person in the room. It’s about creating the kind of room where smart ideas can rise to the top, no matter who says them.

So why do so many leaders default to arguing?

Because it feels safe.

The moment someone challenges your idea, your brain fires up like a threat is coming at you. It’s not just disagreement, it feels personal. And your amygdala, that primal part of your brain, kicks into fight-or-flight mode. You either:

• Fire back with logic (to win)
• Shut down and sulk (to avoid)
• Or get loud and dominant (to control)

All of it is a defense mechanism. But it doesn’t protect you—it isolates you. Over time, people stop challenging you. Not because they agree—but because it’s not worth the fallout. Congratulations. You’ve won the argument and lost the room.

Arguing Is Leadership Sabotage

Every time you push too hard to prove you’re right, you chip away at psychological safety. And when people don’t feel safe, they:

• Keep quiet in meetings
• Avoid tough conversations
• Let problems fester instead of fixing them

Even worse? You start training the next layer of leadership to model your behavior. They start fighting to be right, too. Before you know it, you’ve got an executive team at war with each other, and the rest of the company watching from the sidelines, confused and disconnected.

This isn’t just about feelings. It’s about performance. High-trust teams solve problems faster, retain top talent, and adapt to change better. Low-trust teams? They burn out, point fingers, and miss their targets.

The Trigger Trap: How to Catch Yourself Before the Explosion

If you want to lead, you have to learn to spot when you’re triggered and interrupt your own pattern. Most of us don’t even realize we’ve slipped into argument mode until the damage is done. That’s where Pattern Interrupts come in.

A pattern interrupt

…is a conscious decision to stop reacting and start responding.

Here’s how to create one:

1. Feel it coming. Tension in your chest? Heat in your neck? That spike of adrenaline? That’s the early warning system. Don’t ignore it.
2. Name it silently. “I’m getting defensive.” That alone slows down the emotional hijack.
3. Breathe. Literally, take one deep breath through your nose, and exhale slowly. Oxygen calms the brain. Count One, Two, Three.  Time and silence at this point are your best friends
4. Pause the game. Say something like, “Let me think about that for a second,” or “Can you say that again?” You’re buying time to reset.
5. Choose curiosity. Shift from “how do I prove them wrong?” to “what don’t I know yet?”

The Curiosity Playbook: How to Turn a Fight Into a Conversation

Instead of locking horns, get curious. Curiosity is your secret weapon. It lowers defenses—yours and theirs. And it invites collaboration.

Here’s a simple 5-step formula pulled from the Crucial Conversations playbook:

1. Start with safety. Say something like: “We see this differently, and that’s okay. I want to understand your take.”
2. Mirror and validate. Repeat what you’re hearing: “So your concern is that if we do X, then Y might happen. Got it.”
3. Ask open-ended questions. “What’s your thinking behind that?” “What outcome are you solving for?” “What’s got you concerned?”
4. Find the common goal. “We both want what’s best for the team/client/company, right?”
5. Agree on a next step. “What’s one thing we can both get behind today?”

You’re not trying to “win.” You’re trying to solve. And the best solutions come from shared ownership, not forced compliance.

What to Think Instead When You Feel Triggered

Your brain will tell you:

• “They’re wrong.”
• “This is a waste of time.”
• “I need to shut this down.”

But a leader’s brain must be trained to say:

• “What am I missing?”
• “What’s driving this disagreement?”
• “How do I create a better outcome?”

This mindset flip takes practice. It’s a muscle. But if you don’t build it, you’ll keep defaulting to fight mode and nothing good comes from that.

Curiosity Toolbox: 50+ Open-Ended Questions

Objective: Build a habit of replacing reactivity with inquiry.

Strategy Questions

• What outcome are we both solving for?
• What data are you working from?
• What would success look like to you?

Perspective Questions

• How do you see this impacting your team?
• What’s your biggest concern with my approach?
• What might I not be seeing from your side?

Collaboration Questions

• How can we combine our ideas?
• What’s one small change we both could support?
• If we were coaching someone else through this, what would we advise?

Emotion + Empathy Questions

• What’s this situation bringing up for you?
• What part of this feels personal?
• What’s been frustrating you that I haven’t acknowledged?

Assumption-Busting Questions

• What assumptions might we both be making?
• What’s the belief underneath your view?
• What might we be wrong about?

Clarity Questions

• Can you help me better understand your logic here?
• Where do you feel most uncertain?
• What’s the part that’s non-negotiable for you?

Trust + Accountability Questions

• What would help build more trust around this?
• Where have we let each other down before?
• What does accountability look like in this scenario?

Curiosity Starters (Quick Pivots)

• “Say more about that…”
• “Walk me through your thinking…”
• “What led you to that view?”

When Someone Comes at You: Don’t Play Their Game

Let’s flip the script now.

Because sometimes, you’re not the one who starts the fire—someone else brings the heat. They come at you hot, loud, triggered, and looking for a fight. Maybe it’s in a meeting. Maybe it’s in public. Either way, their energy is chaotic, aggressive, and pointed squarely at you.

And in that moment, everything in your nervous system wants to do one of three things:
Fight. Flee. Or Freeze.

But here’s the move that real leaders make—you don’t do any of those.

You slow down.
You breathe.
And you ask yourself the golden question:

“Where is this coming from?”

Because it’s not about you.
It’s about them—what they’re carrying, what they’ve repressed, what they haven’t dealt with.

And if you let their storm become your storm, you’ve handed over your power.

A True Story: When Rage Met Restraint

Let me give you a real-life example that hit close to home.

It was around 11:00 at night. I stepped outside my condo to walk my dogs. We live in a high-traffic area near the water, surrounded by bars, restaurants, and people out strolling at all hours.

As I stepped into the common area, I noticed a dog running around off-leash—no human in sight. That’s a big concern in a public space with foot traffic and traffic traffic and other animals, so I spoke up. Is this dog lost? Is it aggressive?

“Whose dog is this?”
No response.
Louder now: “Whose dog is this?”

Then, from around the corner, this young guy comes storming in. Fists clenched. Face red. Eyes wide. Spit flying and absolutely losing it on me.

Every other word was an expletive. He’s coming in hot, yelling at full volume, furious that I even dared to ask about the dog.

Now I had a choice:
Meet his rage with mine?
Trade insults?
Escalate to prove something?

Or… stay in control.

So, using what I’ve learned thru years of practice, I calmly explained why I’d asked the question. I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t match his energy. And guess what?

He got even madder. But I did not. I did feel my trigger (heat on the back of my neck). My first thought was not to argue with this idiot. I would never win. He has a lot more practice at being an idiot than I do, if you know what I mean. My first thought was “What the hell is going on in this guys life that would cause him to react with so much aggression. But I did not rub it in his face. I did not try to engage in his rage.

But I wasn’t playing his game. I didn’t take the bait.

Instead, I did something strange… I started finding it funny.
Not in a mocking way, just the sheer absurdity of someone flipping out this hard over such a small thing. Seriously, why would he come at me like this? Fight with his girlfriend? Fired from work? Or was he just deranged like this?

I kept walking. He followed me, hurling insults and trying to provoke a reaction. I turned to him and said:

“Sir, I’m now choosing to ignore you and shut up.”

And that was it. He had no script for that. No energy to bounce off. The fire ran out of oxygen. And I walked away, still calm, still in control, dogs happy, dignity intact.

What’s the Lesson?

When someone’s coming at you, remember:
Their behavior is a reflection of their internal war, not your external worth.

You don’t have to match their chaos. You don’t have to prove anything.
You just have to ask:

• “What’s going on with them?”
• “What wound am I accidentally bumping into?”
• “How do I protect my peace instead of defend my pride?”

That’s emotional leadership.
That’s composure under fire.
And it’s not weakness…it’s mastery.

So next time someone comes at you, stop.

Breathe.

Interrupt your own instinct to fight or freeze.

Then do the most powerful thing you can do in that moment:

Don’t react. Respond with intention.

Because leadership isn’t how you act when things are calm.
It’s how you choose to act when someone else has lost their grip.

That’s the game you want to win.
And when you play it right, no one else can touch you.

Final Thought: You Don’t Have to Be Right to Lead

Let this one land: Being the smartest voice doesn’t make you the best leader. Being the most constructive one does.

You’ve got to decide do you want to be right, or do you want to be effective?

Arguing may feel powerful in the moment. But leadership is a long game. And the leaders who rise the highest aren’t the ones who win every battle. They’re the ones who know which battles to skip, which voices to hear, and how to turn conflict into collaboration.

So the next time your blood pressure spikes and you feel the urge to “set the record straight,” pause. Breathe. Interrupt your pattern. Get curious.

Because that’s the move of a real leader.